Your Eyes
by Magick Starr
Summary: How does Nancy really feel about Hannah being hospitalised? Slash. OneShot


A/N: Just something that came to me over the weekend. Set after episode aired 28th September. Hope you like. Song is 'Your Eyes' from the musical Rent. Slash.

* * *

Jake let out a sigh, sinking into the sofa beside me, placing one hand gently on my shoulder, rubbing his temples with his other hand, not knowing what to do for the best.

I pursed my lips, looking up to face Jake through teary eyes, wiping my face in a half-hearted attempt to remove the tear stains. 'What do I do?'

'I don't know.' He replied sincerely, placing his arm right around my shoulders, allowing me to fall back into the embrace. 'But you can't carry on like this. It's not doing you any good.' He continued quickly, sensing if he left it too long I'd begin to tell him it wasn't myself I'm was worried about. 'And it's not doing Hannah any good, either. You sitting at home crying isn't gonna help her to get better. Hannah needs you to be strong. And so do me and Charlie.' He added, reminding me of the baby currently sleeping silently in his bedroom.

_Who do you think you are?_

'Then what do I do? There's no way I can help Hannah. Even if I was allowed to see her, I wouldn't know what to do. I wouldn't know what to say.'

Jake looked at me helplessly, him himself not knowing what to do or say to make this easier for me. 'What she needs right now is medical help. No amount of friends around her is gonna stop this. She needs to eat and more importantly she needs to realise that. There's no point in the doctors leaving a drip in her just for her to start throwing everything up again the moment she gets home.'

I sighed, knowing he was right. Trouble was, I didn't want him to be. I hated knowing my friend was stuck in hospital and I hated knowing Hannah would be hating it.

'She needs counselling.'

'She needs her friends.' I argued, never before having felt so helpless.

'I know she does. But she'll know you'll be here worrying about her, Nance, she knows you care.'

'No she doesn't! Don't you understand, Jake? She thinks she's fat. And she thinks the whole world hates her for being fat.'

Leaving me alone with my guitar 

Jake bit down on his bottom lip. 'I don't know how to help you cope, Nancy.'

'It's not me that needs help, Jake. It's Hannah. I should be there for her. I _need_ to be there for her.' I turned away from the male, shrugging his arm off of my shoulders, unsure of how I could be having these feelings for Hannah when I felt happy with Jake.

Sighing, Jake stood up. 'I'm sorry, Nance. I'll leave you alone for a bit.' He offered. When I didn't argue that suggestion, he headed for the bedroom, disappearing inside briefly before re-emerging with a wriggling baby in his arms. Placing him in his buggy, he stood by the door, opening it slightly before stopping, turning back to face me. 'If you need me, I'll be at Dog.' When I gave no reply, he turned and left the flat with Charlie, shutting the door behind himself, probably hearing a muffled scream and the sound of something being thrown from inside the room when I threw a photo of myself and him across the flat.

I picked up my phone, glancing briefly to the broken photo frame lying on the carpet, I dialled Hannah's home number, relieved when it was answered promptly.

_Hold on there's something you should hear_

'Hello?'

'Mrs Ashworth, hi, it's Nancy.'

'Oh. Oh, hello, Nancy.'

'I was just ringing to see how Hannah is. Have you… have you been to see her?'

'Yes, yes we've just come back. She… She… She's not good, I'm afraid. She's still refusing to eat. And… And… She… She told us she want's to die.' She informed, through muffled sobs.

I felt tears trickle down my cheeks once again. 'Is she gonna be all right?' I asked feebly, not knowing what else I could say to that.

'I don't know, love. I hope so. I pray to God she will be. But… But I don't know.'

'Is she allowed visitors?' I asked hopefully.

'It's meant to be family only, but… But she was quite upset to see us today, she asked us to leave. I don't know, maybe a friend could get through to her better than we can.' She commented hopefully, wanting to do whatever it would take to get Hannah better.

'If it's okay I'll go down there now.' I replied instantly.

'Thank you, Nancy.'

'I just want Hannah to be okay.'

_It isn't much, but it took all year_

* * *

My heart sunk as I saw her limp form lying in the hospital bed, her eyes wearily drifting towards the window I was stood at, her eyes flickering shut briefly when she saw me there. Offering the nurse a small smile, I slipped inside the room, slowly walking over to the bed she was laid in, cautiously sitting in the chair by the bed, taking her frail hand in my own.

'I've missed you, Han.'

'You haven't been around.' She commented bluntly.

'I know. I know and I'm so sorry. But I will be, now. If… If you'll let me?'

'They brought me here and you did nothing to stop them.'

'I didn't know.' I replied honestly, a tear trickling down my face again as I saw how distressed she is.

'Would you have stopped them? If you had known?'

I looked away briefly, hating seeing her like this, but knowing I'd hate it even more if nothing were being done to help her. Turning back, I looked straight into her fading blue eyes. 'Not if I'd thought there was any other way.'

_Your eyes_

'I don't need to be here.' She argued weakly, her face contorting slightly as she pleaded.

'I just want what's best for you, Hannah. I just want my friend back.'

'I'm still Hannah.' She begged feebly, looking me straight in the eyes, causing my heart to somersault.

'You're not. Look at you. You're not Hannah. I need you to be Hannah again.'

'You want me to be fat, you mean.'

'Hannah, you were never fat. I don't know what I can do to make you believe that, but you… You were perfect.'

'I was never perfect. And I never will be.'

'Yes you were Hannah. And you can be again. If you'll just let me help you?'

'Help me?'

'Yes. Help you. To be the fantastic, bubbly, fun person you used to be. Let me help you get better, Hannah.' I implored, gripping tightly ono the blonde's limp hand.

_As we said our goodbyes_

'I… I… I don't want to be in here.' She admitted honestly.

'And I don't want you to be in here, either, Hannah, but you need to get better.'

'I will. If I'm not here, I will, I promise I will.'

I glanced away from her, knowing that seeing her in such circumstances was only clouding my judgement. 'No, no you won't Hannah. I'm sorry.' I turned back to face her, revealing for the first time the stream of tears down my face. 'You won't get better and I need you to get better. Hannah, you don't even know that you need to get better.'

Hannah dropped her head, looking down to her hand held loosely at her side, a tap stuck in her wrist. Pursing her lips, she looked to the other hand, gripped tightly by my own. 'I do know that.' She whispered, tears filling her eyes as she saw me in so much distress, realising for once that it was caused, without a doubt, by herself. 'I'm sorry.'

_Can't get them out of my mind_

I looked up sharply, gazing aimlessly into her eyes, hoping to see somewhere a hint that she was telling the truth.

_And I find_

'Do you mean it?'

Hannah nodded silently, her eyes glistening over once again as she saw me search her eyes, hoping to find something honest in them.

Shutting my eyes briefly, I gripped her hand even tighter, biting down on my bottom lip as I rubbed her shoulder lightly. 'I'll look after you, Hannah, I promise I will.'

_I can't hide_

Closing my eyes once again, I saw her, once striking, eyes obscuring my vision, showing only the fading, cloudy appearance of what I could only describe as my dying best friend.

_From your eyes_

'Nancy?'

'Yes?' I questioned, turning my head sharply to face her.

'I… I…' closing her eyes briefly, she pursed her lips. 'Will you help me?'

_The ones that took me by surprise_

Letting out a sigh of relief, I ran one hand down her cheek. 'Of course I will.'

The night you came into my life 

I saw her eyes flutter shut briefly at my touch. Feeling butterflies rush to my stomach, I pulled my hand back quickly, knowing if there was one thing Hannah didn't need right now it was her closest friend developing feelings beyond friendship for her.

_Where there's moonlight_

'I should go.' I murmured, standing up abruptly, letting go of her hand I'd been gripping.

'Please don't.' she pleaded, looking up helplessly to me.

'I'm sorry. I'll…. I'll come back later, I just… I just need some time.'

'Please, Nancy, please don't go.'

'I'm sorry.' I muttered, grabbing my coat I'd placed on the back of the chair and rushing out the door, not looking back once as I hurried around the corner, stopping only when I was out of sight to rest my back against the wall, running my hand over my face. I shouldn't be having these feelings. I knew that.

_I see your eyes_

* * *

I brought my head up from my hands where it had previously been resting, looking around to find I was now the only one in the hospital canteen. Swallowing, I ran my hand through my hair, taking a deep breath in before looking down to the coffee cup – the drink it contained looking stone cold.

'I'm sorry love, café's closing.' I spun my head around, not having realised the sole remaining canteen staff standing behind me.

'Oh, sorry. Yeah, I'll… I'll get going.' I replied hastily, standing up and tucking the chair in, taking one last sweeping glance before leaving.

As my foot came to rest on the wall I had chosen to lean against on exiting the café, I let out a sigh, wondering whether or not I should return to Hannah's beside, or whether it would be better for us both if I left her alone this evening.

Deciding that, although seeing her again wouldn't do my hormones any good, not going back when I told her I would may lose her trust. And I know that right now that's the most important thing; that she trusts me that she needs to get better and that I will help her to.

_How'd I let you slip away_

Taking in a deep breath, I pushed the door open, relieved to see Hannah's eyes light up a little when she saw me again. 'I thought you weren't coming back.' The breathy, desperate texture to her voice threw me a little, but when I saw her struggle to sit up, my thoughts were immediately diverted, my hand rushing to aid her, gently positioning her.

'Are you okay?' I questioned, concerned that she found it so hard simply to sit up; rubbing her shoulder supportively as her eyes fell.

'Yeah, yeah I'm fine.' On seeing my dubious expression, she added, 'Or I will be. When I've had proper help.'

Offering a faint smile, I sat down on the chair next to the bed. 'You're in the right place for help.' I joked, entwining my fingers loosely with hers, signalling that I wasn't going anywhere.

_When I'm longing so to hold you?_

'I'm gonna be alright, aren't I, Nancy?'

I looked down, not bearing to stare into her desperate eyes any longer. 'I don't know. I'm sorry, I hope so.'

When I looked back up I saw her smile weakly. 'Thanks.' she murmured, looking away from me.

_Now I'd die for one more day_

Tightening my grip on her hand, I took a deep breath in. 'Hannah, I…'

'What?' she interrupted, her head turning back to face me.

'I… erm… I…'

'Go on.' She prompted, offering me another feeble smile.

'Oh, it's nothing. I'm being stupid.' I responded quickly, losing my nerve again.

She paused hesitantly. 'Okay.'

'_Cause there's something I should have told you_

I sat there with her for a while, not realising how quickly the time had passed until I noticed the lights outside in the corridor dim. Looking to the window, I saw a nurse standing outside, looking in at us. When she saw she'd caught my eye, she signalled to her watch, mouthing 'sorry' as she did so.

'I should get going.' I mumbled, standing up and releasing Hannah's hand from my grip.

'Stay a bit longer?' She asked weakly.

'Sorry.' I replied, tilting my head in the direction of the window, indicating to the waiting nurse. 'I don't think I'm allowed. I'll be back tomorrow though. If… If you want to see me that is.' I added hastily, not wanting to impose.

'Of course I want to.' She replied sincerely.

'Right, erm… Okay then.' I pulled my jacket on, running my hand through my hair quickly, smiling slightly to Hannah as I did so. 'I'll see you tomorrow, then?'

'Yeah, see you tomorrow.'

_Yes, there's something I should have told you_

* * *

Rolling over in bed that night, I felt Jake snake his arm around my waist, and for the first time I shook it off, feeling out of place in our bed, thinking of nothing but Hannah lying in hospital. I felt dirty thinking of her when I was in bed with my boyfriend, but at the same time it felt dirty to be in bed with Jake when I was starting to feel this way about Hannah.

* * *

'Hey.' I said cheerily, placing my bag on the floor as I sat down, smiling when I saw a half-empty breakfast plate on the bookcase.

'Hi. I… Erm… I tried. Sorry I didn't eat it all.' She informed, obviously having seen me looking at the plate.

'No, no I'm happy. You've… You've eaten quite a bit. It's progress.' I responded, smiling at her, grinning as saw some of the spark had returned to her eyes. Only some, though, I noted. It would take a while to get it all back.

'I'm really trying.' She added, attempting to reassure me my efforts were not in vein, and that I wasn't the only one that wanted her to get better.

'I know. And I'm glad you are.' I paused, looking into her eyes again, seeing a slight glitter to the still faded blue.

_When I looked into your eyes_

Taking hold of her hand once again, I moved to sit on the edge of her bed, facing the blonde who was sitting up. She offered me a small smile, one that I returned, moving my hand to her cheek to wipe back a stray hair. 'You look beautiful, Hannah.' I murmured breathily, gulping as I ran my hand down her cheek.

'So do you.' She responded after a paused, her own breathy tone probably due to a combination of exhaustion and hormones.

_Why does distance make us wise?_

Taking a deep breath in, I saw her struggle to lean forward, running her own hand down my cheek. After a hesitant moment, her confidence seeming to grow when I failed to rebuff her, she ran her thumb over my lips, a smile growing on her face when my lips parted slightly. My stomach somersaulting, I adjusted my position on the bed, leaning forwards and gently pressing my lips to hers, withdrawing quickly to see if she offered any protest. 'Don't stop.' She whispered in my ear, giving my all the confidence I needed to lean in for a second kiss, running one hand gently through her hair, pulling back slightly when I found some blonde strands in my palm.

_You were the song all along_

Tearfully, I looked into her eyes, looking down to the hair in my hand, and back up again, pursing my tingling lips as I struggled to find words.

'Nancy, am I gonna be alright?' she questioned, the look on her face telling me this wasn't the first time some of her hair had fallen out.

_And before the song dies_

'I don't know. I'm sorry, I… I don't know. I hope so, I really do, but I can't tell you yes honestly. I can promise that I'll do whatever I can to make you okay, and I can promise to be here with you whenever I can, but I can't promise you'll be okay, the only people that can make that happen are the doctors… If you'll let them?'

'You'll stay?'

I nodded.

'Then yes. I want to get better. I want… I want…'

_I should tell you_

'What?' I questioned, ready for the brush off.

'I want you.'

I should tell you 

Gulping, I offered her a teary smile, gripping tightly onto her limp hand. 'And I want you.' I replied quickly, running my other hand down her cheek.

_I have always loved you_

Seeing her eyes gain back a little more of their original sparkle, I smiled, turning away briefly, I thought back to my home, and how Jake and Charlie would be waiting for me to get back there soon.

'Will you sit with me tonight?' she asked hopefully, pursing her lips as if preparing for rejection.

'Of course.' I replied with a smile, feeling my own eyes shimmer as I looked to her.

_You can see it in my eyes_


End file.
